Monday, April 9, 2012
a short thought on loneliness and strength
We all have strengths: those things that help to guide us through life, by natural ability. Some of us are good with people, some are wholly trustworthy, some have an incredible tolerance for pain. I sometimes feel like I'm an 85 percent match for all three of those.
We set up these devices- our interests, our vices, sex, tv, internet- and allow them to create noise. The noise drowns out the loneliness: the knawing, clawing, sucking sound of loneliness. If allowed to speak, it will question everything.
The devices come down sometimes, and it's quiet enough to hear the loneliness, and once it starts, it never stops. "Do you know what you're doing?" "You don't, do you? But you've got everyone else fooled, somehow?" "What are you going to do?" "When's he coming home?"
Midnight, alone. Only the loneliness as a companion. A baby on the way, along for the ride. I hope he can't hear the loneliness. Once you've heard his voice, it never fades away. In the dark quiet moments of childhood even, he's there. He never ages, but he does sharpen over time.
He's vengeful, having been drowned out by the drugs- that deliciously intense narcotic noise- for so long. My body hates me for leaving them behind; now we all get to hear the loneliness drone on:
"How will you do this?" "Have you thought all this out?" "What were you thinking?" "Where is he, and does he really mean what he says?"
And with no drugs, and no drinks, and no all night parties, and no men who pay me, and no alternate life to fantasize about, I'm left with this. Me and the loneliness, staring down a new, permanent path. Everything's changed, and changing; a baby on the way. Please, please don't let him hear the loneliness.
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Christ, Xuani, he WON'T hear it. All the decisions you've made are for the better and the baby's gonna be damn lucky to have a Mom as strong as you. :)You guys will be fine.
ReplyDeleteWhen all the noise goes quiet, you reflect on the choices you've made in your life. There's one thing everybody has to learn: you can't do a damn thing about the choices you've already made. They're in the past. For good or ill, they're a part of you. What you can change, though, is how you use the memory of them. If you decide to learn from them, they can be a great tool in building a future you'll be proud of. If you choose to let those memories define you, you risk becoming stuck in a pattern of who you used to be, rather than who you want to be. I've got faith in you, love. You've already made it through events that would break a weaker person into fragmented bits of flesh and soul. You know what's right, and you know why it's important. You'll make the right choices when the time comes. It's normal to be lonely from time to time. It's how you use those times that counts.
ReplyDeleteAll my best...
If only everyone could express themselves half as well as you.
ReplyDeleteYou speak of loneliness as a negative, but solitude also acts as a tool for conditioning oneself into a state of inner stength as well. Look at the world's spiritual traditions. Solitude, along with nmemonic excercises like mantras/prayers if practiced continuously can free us almost completely from our dependency of the company of others. That might seem alien and undesirable, almost inhuman, but like most things which drive us, often to unproductive results, the need for companionship can itself be like a destructive drug in which we're always seeking a fix.-Craig from Lushstories.
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